Back to School Junk Food for Thought…by Jim Carlton

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good will that do?

If all is not lost, then where is it?

I’m still going door-to-door trying to convert the heathens except now I have a couple of bodyguards with me. They’re part of the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

Disney is recalling 1300 Mickey Mouse waffle irons sold between 2011 and 2015.  No injuries reported so far, but it did make one guy’s ears stand up.

There are two kinds of people: those who finish what they start and so on…

I think my grandmother is in her second childhood. The other day she entered a wet-shawl contest.

Who was Jehosephat and why was he jumping?

Why is it that most of the states where people are so opposed to same-sex unions…have no trouble at all with people marrying their cousins?

There’s a new product out that has a sentence for its name like, it’s called, “I Can’t Believe I Just Paid Three Dollars For Water.”

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?

My folks went to Turin and all I got was this lousy shroud.

Early in my career I used to dance as the rear end of one of those two-man dancing horses. But one day I broke my leg and they shot my partner in the head.”

My wife hates it when I get affectionate in public…unless it’s with her.

Jim Carlton spent his career in show business. He’s written for and traveled with the Smothers Brothers, Joan Rivers, Jim Stafford, Roger Miller, Mason Williams, Gallagher, the Kingston Trio and many others. He’s also written special material for the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Thicke of the Night, the Arsenio Hall Show and Late Night with David Letterman. He presently lives in Mount Dora and has been a city commissioner for a dozen years or more.