Florida governor Rick Scott has volunteered to become the very first artificial heart donor.
Life Lesson: Never try to manually push down your car lock button with a styrofoam cup full of hot coffee.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
For the first time in years we’ll have no teenagers living at home. Oh the kids are still living here, but they’re no longer teenagers.
Just read where a 49 year-old woman in Seattle just gave birth to twins. Good news is: she can walk them in the stroller and breast feed them at the same time. At her age it’s probably powdered milk.
My wife bought me a Christmas gift from the Disney store that I really didn’t appreciate: “It’s A Small World” boxer shorts…hell at least they weren’t briefs.
Blind tourists should have sight-seeing-eye dogs.
I wonder if there was ever a bubonic plagiarist.
I was searching for a word to describe my friend’s clothing. The word “affordable” came to mind. I swear her makeup had to have been applied by a legally blind rodeo clown.
The Gospel of John refers to Jesus as the Lamb of God. So if Mary gave birth to the baby Jesus I guess Mary had a little lamb.
Monotheism is a gift from the gods.
It’s second-hand smokeless tobacco that’s really dangerous.
She was slurring her words and not making any sense. She was charged with impersonating Paula Abdul.
You know you have a drinking problem when you hear yourself asking which wine goes with the Grand Slam Breakfast.
They say size doesn’t matter…until you buy her a ring.
Jim Carlton spent his career in show business. He’s written for and traveled with the Smothers Brothers, Joan Rivers, Jim Stafford, Roger Miller, Mason Williams, Gallagher, the Kingston Trio and many others. He’s also written special material for the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Thicke of the Night, the Arsenio Hall Show and Late Night with David Letterman. He presently lives in Mount Dora and has been a city commissioner for a dozen years or more.