Essential Junk Food for Thought…by Jim Carlton

  • I checked into a hotel in a real hayseed town in Alabama last month and they gave me a magazine with all the events going on there. I opened it and saw a picture of me checking in to the hotel.
  • If you hate it when people smoke cigars, carry a water pistol filled with gasoline.
  • Why do baby clothes have pants pockets?
  • McDonalds is trying a series of mini-McDonalds in gas stations around the country. Is this a good idea, buying fast food from an auto mechanic? “I can get the fries and your happy meal but I don’t have ‘em in stock. Gonna take a couple of days.”
  • I tried Flintstones vitamins. I don’t feel any better but I can stop the car with my feet.
  • Why is there handicapped parking at the roller rink?
  • Federal Reserve Board studies show that due to inflation, a picture is worth only 500 words. In addition, it now takes three to tango.
  • U.S. Government officials confirm that the country of Uganda has the hydrogen bomb. Ugandan scientists, however, have had little success in developing a large enough blow gun to propel the weapon.
  • One nice thing about Allegiant Airlines: terrorists are afraid to fly with them.
  • How do you explain someone with a “Save the Planet” bumper sticker right next to their exhaust pipe? That’s sulphur dioxide.
  • Must have taken a lot of courage, or maybe desperation, to discover that frog legs are edible.
Jim Carlton spent his career in show business. He’s written for and traveled with the Smothers Brothers, Joan Rivers, Jim Stafford, Roger Miller, Mason Williams, Gallagher, the Kingston Trio and many others. He’s also written special material for the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Thicke of the Night, the Arsenio Hall Show and Late Night with David Letterman. He presently lives in Mount Dora and has been a city commissioner for a dozen years or more.