Healthy Junk Food for Thought…by Jim Carlton

Spring doesn’t officially begin until Willie Nelson puts his hair up in a red bandana.

Nature abhors a vacuum but not nearly as much as cats do.

Was in New York City a few months ago and was fortunate enough to attend a rehearsal for the musical Cats. When a stagehand in the wings turned on a vacuum cleaner the stage cleared in ten seconds.
For our third anniversary I took my wife out to what I thought was a wonderfully romantic restaurant. She got so upset she nearly dropped her tray. When we got home I got my anniversary present: a change of address kit.
Things I learned from my first marriage:
1.) The “’til death do us part.” line in the wedding vows carries a significant penalty for early withdrawal.
2.) The marriage was over when she sold the wedding album at a garage sale.
3.) Soap-on-a-rope is not jewelry.
4.) Do not become affectionate in public unless it’s with her.
It’s gonna be a bad day when you have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
I saw an ad that read: “Earn Extra Money In Your Spare Time.” Occurred to me there’s no such thing as extra money or spare time.
When I was in kindergarten we’d play spin the bottle. The girls would have to give you a kiss or a nickel. I owned my first car by age ten.
There is no Gate #1 at any airport.
Thought I’d reached a personal best last week of an hour and five minutes until I realized we’d set the clock forward. Alas.
Jim Carlton spent his career in show business. He’s written for and traveled with the Smothers Brothers, Joan Rivers, Jim Stafford, Roger Miller, Mason Williams, Gallagher, the Kingston Trio and many others. He’s also written special material for the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Thicke of the Night, the Arsenio Hall Show and Late Night with David Letterman. He presently lives in Mount Dora and has been a city commissioner for a dozen years or more.