Hearty Junk Food for Thought…by Jim Carlton

I see things haven’t gone so well for some of the Star Wars characters. One of them is now working as Luke Floorwalker.

Occurred to me when I saw the kids hanging up stockings on Christmas Eve: this is the only time they’ve ever hung up anything.

Why is there an expiration date on aged cheese? Is aged cheese not going to make it two weeks in my refrigerator?

Got our dog a Christmas gift: Chanel Number 2.

Why do people go to the top of tall buildings and put money in binoculars to see things on the ground?

My wife is always getting the phone and the hairdryer mixed up. You may have seen her: wet hair, chapped lips.

Sometimes I think I’m tempermentally ill. Any place I hang my head is home.

When a guy on the street asks you for the time he’ll invariably point to his wrist. That being the case, why doesn’t he point to his crotch when asking directions to the restroom?

I think it’s amusing when people use valet parking for their SUVs and Hummers. “Yes, I’m the rugged type, I love the outdoors and I require a sturdy vehicle for my vigorous lifestyle, but I don’t like to walk.”

I read an article that said typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.

Once saw a photo of the late Lorne Greene assuming a rather lugubrious expression. I wanted to say, “What are you looking forlorn for Lorne?” But then eye abject 2 homonyms. And the photo reminded me of how much I miss Bonanza, a show that presented stories every week of five grown men who lived together with no women and who all wore high-heeled shoes and big hats.

I spent a fortune on my kids’ education and a fortune on their teeth. The difference is, they use their teeth.

My father said I’d never amount to anything. It was just a lucky guess.

A dot by itself is just a dot. Why, when it’s with many other dots does it become a polka dot?

Jim Carlton spent his career in show business. He’s written for and traveled with the Smothers Brothers, Joan Rivers, Jim Stafford, Roger Miller, Mason Williams, Gallagher, the Kingston Trio and many others. He’s also written special material for the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Thicke of the Night, the Arsenio Hall Show and Late Night with David Letterman. He presently lives in Mount Dora and has been a city commissioner for a dozen years or more.