New Year’s Junk Food for Thought…by Jim Carlton

  • Take care of your body and you can use it over and over again.

 

  • Can an optimist be pleasantly surprised?

 

  • Ate at an African-American/Mexican restaurant called Nacho Mama.

 

  • A little coitus never hoitus.

 

  • Our daughter’s name is Alexis. Occurred to me that if we hadn’t have had her that’s what we’d be driving.

 

  • Give me librium or give me meth.

 

  • Should a mute be scolded for talking with his hands full? Do mutes have phone sex by using fax machines?

 

  • It’s not the heat it’s the humility.

 

  • Ate at a very exclusive restaurant. They had a ten-dollar service charge for the Heimlich Maneuver.

 

  • Today is the oldest you’ve ever been yet the youngest you’ll ever be so enjoy the day while it lasts.

 

  • The U.S. Post Office does not recommend licking the back of the Jerry Garcia Commemorative stamp.

 

  • Ted Cruz and Rick Santorum need to know that it’s not pre-martial sex if you have no intention of getting married.

 

  • Pushup bras are like breasts on the half shell.

 

  • Show me a country full of pink cars and I’ll show you a pink carnation. I should rewrite that joke, then throw it away.

Jim Carlton spent his career in show business. He’s written for and traveled with the Smothers Brothers, Joan Rivers, Jim Stafford, Roger Miller, Mason Williams, Gallagher, the Kingston Trio and many others. He’s also written special material for the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Thicke of the Night, the Arsenio Hall Show and Late Night with David Letterman. He presently lives in Mount Dora and has been a city commissioner for a dozen years or more.