Steaming Hot Junk Food for Thought…by Jim Carlton

  • There’s a ban on nude sunbathing in Florida. That’s really smart. Take the only people you’re sure of who aren’t carrying concealed weapons and throw them in jail.
  • If men had babies maternity leave would have been in the Bill of Rights.
  • We must believe in free will. We have no choice.
  • The best way to get your kid to a dentist is to schedule the appointment during school hours.
  • I called up the Home Shopping Network. The gal answered the phone and asked, “What can I do for you?” I said, “Nothing, I’m just looking.”
  • As a kid I talked my sister into jumping off the house using a Hefty bag as a parachute. It didn’t work. I told her next time to use an empty one.
  • What if there was no such thing as a hypothetical question?
  • Women don’t like it when men look at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue but it’s okay for them to watch the Miss America Pageant and look at the same girls in alphabetical order by state.
  • Why is it that you never hear women described as having “rugged good looks?
  • How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?
  • When lost in the car why do we always lean toward the windshield and turn the radio down?
  • Columbia University has released a sex study that states a certain number of men, when discussing their sexual history, will inflate their number of sexual partners. And a significant number of men will actually inflate their sexual partners.
  • Why take your kids to Disney World when for the same money you can put them through college?

Jim Carlton spent his career in show business. He’s written for and traveled with the Smothers Brothers, Joan Rivers, Jim Stafford, Roger Miller, Mason Williams, Gallagher, the Kingston Trio and many others. He’s also written special material for the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Thicke of the Night, the Arsenio Hall Show and Late Night with David Letterman. He presently lives in Mount Dora and has been a city commissioner for a dozen years or more.