- I knew a guy who testified against the mob and the government got him a job going door to door preaching the gospel. He says he’s in the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.
- I finally acknowledged my denial about being dyslexic when I showed up at a toga party dressed as a goat.
- I want them to play Miley Cyrus’ music at my funeral. That way I won’t feel so bad about being dead, and my friends will know there’s something worse than death.
- The GOP wants to unveil a new program for seniors: “Just Say No To Prescription Drugs.”
- I just saw where the creator of Crest toothpaste died last week. Four out of five dentists attended the funeral.
- I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?
- I stopped seeing my shrink because he kept meddling in my personal life.
- The best things in life are free…and the cheapest things in life are also free ….with a paid subscription to Sports Illustrated.
Jim Carlton spent his career in show business. He’s written for and traveled with the Smothers Brothers, Joan Rivers, Jim Stafford, Roger Miller, Mason Williams, Gallagher, the Kingston Trio and many others. He’s also written special material for the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Thicke of the Night, the Arsenio Hall Show and Late Night with David Letterman. He presently lives in Mount Dora and has been a city commissioner for a dozen years or more.