Takeaway Junk Food for Thought…by Jim Carlton

The best things in life are free; and the cheapest things in life are free with a paid subscription to Sports Illustrated.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

I grew up in a place so far out that the Episcopalians handled snakes.

People are opposed to fur more violently than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

I knew a guy who testified against the mob and the government got him a job going door to door preaching the gospel. He says he’s in the Jehovah’s Witness Protection program.

No matter how much you suck on an aspirin it never loses its flavor.

Neanderthal Man wasn’t fully erect, which in understandable once you see Neanderthal Woman.

On TV you can use sex to sell anything except sex.

Do Australians wear down underwear?

As a kid I used to ride a stick horse to school but one day it broke and I had to walk all the way home.

My daughter changes her hair color so often her driver’s license has a little color wheel on it.

For her birthday my wife asked me to get her something expensive that she doesn’t need. Now she’s wearing braces.

You know you’re in the Deep South when you can rent a movie and buy bait at the same store.

Jim Carlton spent his career in show business. He’s written for and traveled with the Smothers Brothers, Joan Rivers, Jim Stafford, Roger Miller, Mason Williams, Gallagher, the Kingston Trio and many others. He’s also written special material for the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Thicke of the Night, the Arsenio Hall Show and Late Night with David Letterman. He presently lives in Mount Dora and has been a city commissioner for a dozen years or more.